never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize