We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
