Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
