Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
