Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
