There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
