its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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