Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
