My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
