at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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