i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize