I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
