im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
