he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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