Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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