im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
