You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just found puke in my bra..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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