I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
