You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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