I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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