What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
