the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
