Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
