You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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