this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
