Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
