Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
