I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize