remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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