Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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