The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
