who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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