Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize