thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
