I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
