I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
