You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
