HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
