genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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