She is in my trunk
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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