summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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