I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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