first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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