I don't usually arrange sex via text message
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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