my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
