Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
