she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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