just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
