hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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