i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
