I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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