Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
