You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
