you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
