my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
