I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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