dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
