my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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