Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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